Late night confessions

It’s almost 10 PM on a Sunday night and I really should be going to sleep, but I just finished re-watching “Prince Caspian” (because we ate at Pancake House last Friday, and there was a poster of the movie there) and it gave me all the scripturient feels, so here I am.

I was planning to post about a picture I found on Facebook, but I can’t seem to find it again, mostly because I am distracted by the posts I’m seeing.

Here’s the thing: ANG HIRAP PALA KAPAG YUNG “SECRET” CRUSH MO MAY SOMETHING NA GANAP AT WALA KANG WAY NA MALAMAN ABOUT IT WITHOUT REVEALING THE SECRET.

Snails! (This is my new go-to-curse word btw.)

Ugh. Di ko carry. I don’t even know if I’m going to post this.

Obviously, I will.

The thing is, I’m a believer. I want to believe. I like this feeling, of not knowing and getting giddy besides the fact. Which is ridiculous. I am almost 30. At this age, most of my classmates are either getting married or are expecting. Sure, it’s 2016; we don’t have to be traditional and all, but I WANT IT.

I want a traditional family. I want a steady, simple, serving life. And I want to believe and trust in God that whatever I am feeling right now, for this person — who I have to admit, I have not actually had a conversation with *YET* — means something.

Even at the risk of falling flat on my face.

There’s no emotion here apart from the giddiness to what could be possible. I think…

No, I know. So, if and when I find out what the hell is happening with this person I am crushing really hard on (for reasons unclear/ gut reasons), and it would most probably have nothing to do with me (kasi nga di ba, di pa kami talaga nagkakausap!), it won’t be the end of the world for me. I’ll be disappointed, I guess, but other than that, I’ll be fine. God’s got me.

The important part here is that I keep my mouth shut, because there are much, much worse things that can happen if my secret crush leaks. I know they know I have one. I don’t know just how smart or committed they are to finding out who. I don’t think they are, to be honest. I’ve tried to keep a low profile so far. The only way they’d know is if they read my poems after observing me during the Feast, but even then, I’d like to believe I have been very, very discreet.

Haay.

I really need to go to sleep na.

Before I go, here’s my most latest Feast crush-inspired poem, as posted on FB:

“Hopeful Romantic”

Paano kaya magsisimula ang kwento natin?
Sino kaya ang unang aamin?
Saan kaya tayo nito dadalhin?
Medyo nakakapagod na isipin

Kaya ako’y tatahimik na lang at mananalangin.
Kung tama at totoo itong damdamin,
Gagabayan tayo ng Panginoon natin
Sa taong ating tunay na iibigin.

And the picture I was planning to write about:

HERE’S TO A BLESSED WEEK. CAN’T WAIT FOR VACATION!

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If I cry right now, I might not stop. If I let the pain out, it might suck me whole.
If I allow the darkness freed,
it might be too strong for me to fight.
If I allow myself to grieve for the things I wished I had, I might get blinded for the things that I do have.
If I let my hold on calm, on peace, on the knowledge that my God has got me, I might end up breaking into tiny pieces, never to be whole again.

So I will keep it in. I will inhale and exhale and be thankful that I still get to do that. I am tough. I am capable. I am able. And most importantly, He has got me in His palm, and I need not fear.

I need not doubt.

The ticking bomb that is me will remain His, and with His help, I will do my best not to explode.

Not anytime soon…