Late night confessions

It’s almost 10 PM on a Sunday night and I really should be going to sleep, but I just finished re-watching “Prince Caspian” (because we ate at Pancake House last Friday, and there was a poster of the movie there) and it gave me all the scripturient feels, so here I am.

I was planning to post about a picture I found on Facebook, but I can’t seem to find it again, mostly because I am distracted by the posts I’m seeing.

Here’s the thing: ANG HIRAP PALA KAPAG YUNG “SECRET” CRUSH MO MAY SOMETHING NA GANAP AT WALA KANG WAY NA MALAMAN ABOUT IT WITHOUT REVEALING THE SECRET.

Snails! (This is my new go-to-curse word btw.)

Ugh. Di ko carry. I don’t even know if I’m going to post this.

Obviously, I will.

The thing is, I’m a believer. I want to believe. I like this feeling, of not knowing and getting giddy besides the fact. Which is ridiculous. I am almost 30. At this age, most of my classmates are either getting married or are expecting. Sure, it’s 2016; we don’t have to be traditional and all, but I WANT IT.

I want a traditional family. I want a steady, simple, serving life. And I want to believe and trust in God that whatever I am feeling right now, for this person — who I have to admit, I have not actually had a conversation with *YET* — means something.

Even at the risk of falling flat on my face.

There’s no emotion here apart from the giddiness to what could be possible. I think…

No, I know. So, if and when I find out what the hell is happening with this person I am crushing really hard on (for reasons unclear/ gut reasons), and it would most probably have nothing to do with me (kasi nga di ba, di pa kami talaga nagkakausap!), it won’t be the end of the world for me. I’ll be disappointed, I guess, but other than that, I’ll be fine. God’s got me.

The important part here is that I keep my mouth shut, because there are much, much worse things that can happen if my secret crush leaks. I know they know I have one. I don’t know just how smart or committed they are to finding out who. I don’t think they are, to be honest. I’ve tried to keep a low profile so far. The only way they’d know is if they read my poems after observing me during the Feast, but even then, I’d like to believe I have been very, very discreet.

Haay.

I really need to go to sleep na.

Before I go, here’s my most latest Feast crush-inspired poem, as posted on FB:

“Hopeful Romantic”

Paano kaya magsisimula ang kwento natin?
Sino kaya ang unang aamin?
Saan kaya tayo nito dadalhin?
Medyo nakakapagod na isipin

Kaya ako’y tatahimik na lang at mananalangin.
Kung tama at totoo itong damdamin,
Gagabayan tayo ng Panginoon natin
Sa taong ating tunay na iibigin.

And the picture I was planning to write about:

HERE’S TO A BLESSED WEEK. CAN’T WAIT FOR VACATION!

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The Good Life

Life has been really good these past few days, and I have gotten lazy in updating this blog, now that I have nothing to really rant about. A part of me says that I’m just choosing to live in the moment. Since writing most often than not tend to make me overthink about, well, whatever it is I am writing about, I am afraid that if I dwell too much on what has made my life better, I’ll end up messing it up.

But then, it really isn’t as fragile as I thought it was. It’s actually very sturdy, because for the first time in a very long time, I am clear with what I want, which is basically what I have now.

I am content, my dear blog, with who I am, with what I have done in my life, with what else I can do. I am at peace.

It’s a weird, scary feeling, but at the same time, it’s also very… freeing. I am happy. And I’m not just writing that to make myself believe that I am, as I used to do. I guess I have finally convinced myself that I am. At last.

I do have to credit this feeling of bliss to the fact that I have left Angelicum College, officially, though I am still not done with my clearance. I plan to go back once I have a new job, which I believe to be just around the corner. It’s no secret how unhappy I was there, and I’m just thankful I got to go through that and learn from the experience.

I also think my plan of working out for six days a week, though I’ve only had one week completed for now, has helped my state of mind immensely. Walking and jogging, feeling my heart beat and my blood flowing, reminding myself that I am still alive even when I feel like dying (I still haven’t mastered the proper breathing, but we’ll get there) — these have all made me realize how precious and beautiful life is, and more importantly, how awesome my body is, with its curves and strenght and power.

Today, I also attended my first ever Feast in Bluewave Marquinton with my friend Pami and her friend Katrina. I’ve always wanted to attend the Feast, but never really got a chance. I mentioned it to Pami and she invited me to today’s meeting. I was really excited to attend that even if I slept really late last night, I was wide awake before 6 this morning. It was very well worth it. Today’s talk was all about mediocrity, and it hit a bull’s eye with me (for obvious reasons). I’m hoping to make this a Sunday habit from now on, and maybe, one day, I can have mom and brother join me.

I’m not rushing into things though. Not with anything. I have plans, yes, but I want to take my time and enjoy each step that leads me closer to that goal. I’m also being mindful of the balance and routine that I crave, but I don’t get to hard on myself when I falter. It’s an on going work in progress, and I’m just glad that I am a working progress.

For now, I think I’ll have some lunch and maybe take a nap after. It’ll be a little tricky as it is really, REALLY hot in the Philippines right now, but we’ll see.