More than just the blessing of the mass, and the talk, there was one answered prayer that was given to me even though I didn’t really ask for it out loud.
And I have to write it in all caps because the feeling is just too intense not to do so.
MY CRUSH SAT BESIDE ME AND WE GOT TO HOLD HANDS SO MANY TIMES I LOST COUNT AND HIS HANDS ARE THE PERFECT FIT TO MINE AND HIS GRIP WAS STRONG AND I CAN’T EVEN TELL YOU HOW MUCH I’M SMILING RIGHT NOW AT JUST THE THOUGHT THAT WHEN ONE OF THE WORSHIP LEADERS ASKED THE PEOPLE FROM THE BACK TO MOVE CLOSER TO THE STAGE AND THEN HE WAS SUDDENLY BESIDE ME AND THE GIRL HE WAS SITTING WITH BEFORE THEY MOVED SAT ON MY RIGHT SO HE SAT ON MY LEFT SIDE AND HE’S SHOULDERS WERE SO BROAD AND I WAS A LITTLE TALLER THAN HIM BECAUSE I WAS WEARING MY HEELS BUT YEAH THAT’S FINE BECAUSE I LIKE SHORT GUYS AND SERIOUSLY I CAN’T.
I’m not even going to let myself edit that whole thing.
Seriously, though, this guy was the first and only person in The Feast that made an impression on me. Okay. I am attracted to him. I don’t know why precisely, but I am excited to get to know him better. I’m not going to do anything rash though. I know perfectly well how easy it is to crash and burn. I’ve learned from those experiences. I know that I may be projecting my attraction to him, when I think I feel him looking at me or that when our eyes meet, his are sparkling. Ugh. Even writing it makes me a bit annoyed at myself for sounding so cheesy. Still, I’m grateful that I am able to find someone attractive again. IT HAS BEEN SOOOO FREAKING LONG. (Yes, it’s in all caps again, because it has been an intense amount of time — FOUR FREAKING YEARS!)
I don’t know if he’s single or dating anyone. I don’t even know if he likes me that way. I don’t know anything about him apart from that he’s a guidance counselor in a school near his house (and I know his house because that was where I first saw him, in the first CG I attended four months ago). I also know he’s looking for a girlfriend, because one of my current co-teachers and closest work friend used to work with him in a different school. Yep, we live in a very small world, where people we both know, know us.
I am praying that in the next CG, God will bring us to the same light group. If that happens, I’ll take that as a sign that my crush/ attraction on him is a good thing, for me. If it doesn’t, then, I’ll keep mum about this whole thing and not bring it up anymore. Unless something unexpected like this happens… which I sure hope it does, because really, I want love in my life. I want to be love and I want to love. I think I am ready for it. I am hoping I am. The only way to know for sure is to risk it. And I am willing to do it.
I am praying it’ll be worth it.