I’m trying to find a way to keep it private, though I know anyone who would eventually stumble upon it and actually be interested of reading about my internal raves and rants would probably be someone I don’t know personally.
At least I hope so.
I’m getting a little tired of being PC all the time, of watching how what I say would affect others, of berating myself for reacting in a way that other people consider to be something else, of already seeing how something I think about saying would make someone react or feel that I end up not saying it anymore.
The thing is, I am starting anew, but with my past experiences, I have learned that:
(1) I’m not really happy when I’m on my own all the time, no matter how much I’ve convinced myself that I am;
(2) I like lending a helping hand to people I work with, BUT only to a certain extent because I absolutely refuse being abused by my generosity and when I feel that I am about to be so, I slowly but rather obviously, back away and people tend to see that as something bad, I guess;
(3) I have so much opinions about the things I see or hear without really intending to see or hear them;
(4) Most of my opinions reflect how self-righteous I can get, and I absolutely hate that I am, but it can’t be helped. A part of me wants to blame the fact that I am my mother’s daughter, hence I was raised to believe that I am better that most, but in reality, I know I am not really.
(5) And lastly, I can only really trust my self with most of the things I think about. When I speak about them, there’s a big chance they’d be used against me, and I really don’t want that to happen.
And so I keep reminding myself two things:
(1) What others say about me is reflection of who they are, not of who I am. Alternatively, what I say about them is a reflection of me. It’s okay to think things about certain people, but it’ll be better (though not so easy) to keep them to myself.
(2) I can’t expect someone I consider a friend to keep my secret when I can’t keep my own. So as the great (not!) Daniel Padilla said (pertaining to his own, non-voting “fans, but I will use it in a different context altogether) "Shut up na lang (ako)!”
Also, these things I badly want to say about certain people I have to work with for the foreseeable future are rather negative, and I don’t have room for negativity in my life, so yeah. I’ll just go make a gratitude list instead.