My mind is going all over the place, partly because it’s Sunday, mostly because it’s mine. I figured, I need some serious stream of consciousness detox, so here goes:
I want to lose weight, like really lose weight and see it in my body, with my clothes and have people comment about it. I want to be seen as someone fit and fab and beautiful. I want to be able to wear a two-piece bikini at the beach or a private pool (because I will NEVER go to a public pools again) with confidence and swag, and you know I mean it because I never use words like swag. Ever.
I want to lose the arm fat because it’s ugly and annoying. For me anyway. If you like yours, good for you.
I want to take pretty pictures of pretty things and post it on my Instagram.
I smell butter cooking and even though I have eaten two servings of rice and sinigang (because it’s Sunday anyway!), I kinda want to see what brother is cooking.
I want to buy new earphones because my old ones are no longer working, but I figured I can go do that tomorrow after work, since I am planning to buy a gift for Tita Emma’s birthday on Tuesday, and really, I didn’t go to church for Easter Sunday, so I have no right to go to the mall. I did went out today (hooray for me!) to buy groceries which is why I got to cook sinigang for lunch. I’m pretty proud of myself since I bought ALL the ingredients for it. I’m planning to cook the chicken and the giniling later or tomorrow. But maybe later since I don’t have anything else to do tonight anyway and I can’t go to sleep because it’s going to wreck havoc on my sleepiness later tonight, and tomorrow’s back to work Monday and I can’t be late.
I think I need to get my job prospects panned out ASAP, or at least before I send Papa that long-awaited letter explaining why I haven’t wrote to him in a long time, and also informing him that I am going to be in-between-jobs again. This is the third time in six years that this has happened, so he might not see this as something positive, but I know I can find a way to phrase it in a way that doesn’t sound like I’m being incompetent or anything. I’ll be as honest as I can possibly be, with him anyway.
I want to go back to OLOPSC and teach in the high school department and have an advisory class that I will form into a family, and we will have the best times and the worst times and the memorable times. I want to be a teacher who teaches, who works on her lesson plans every weekend, who schedules a time to binge watch all her favorite shows and knows — KNOWS — in her gut that she deserves all the free time she gives herself because she has worked hard on her lessons and her other academic requirements.
I want to go back to school and take creative writing.
I want to take my Masters in English Language and Literature in the Ateneo because it’s my dream school and I really want to be an Atenean and I want to go to school in Katipunan and meet new people and love every moment of it.
I want watch OINTB Season 3 but the download is so freaking slow.
I want ice cream – vanilla, my favorite flavor.
I want to download exercise videos — warm – ups, cool downs, yoga, zumba, aero — and do them all at least once this week.
I want to have a passive income I can rely on so that I wouldn’t have to settle for a job offer I don’t really want.
I need and want to get my hair rebonded but I’ll wait until the third or fourth week of May, or at least after we’ve gone swimming so it won’t be a waste.
I want to go to the beach with Pami and Jhay and spend a night with them there, preferably in a bar. I’m thinking Boracay…
I want to swim with the jelly fish in Palau.
I want to see New York Time Square and twirl.
I want to sky dive.
I want to travel alone, somewhere, just so I can say that I had done it.
I woke up this morning confused to what day it was. I really thought it was already Monday, and the clock said 6:06 AM, making me very late for work. Twenty was meowing for food/ attention and I didn’t know what to do. I turned on the TV and changed it to channel 2. I checked my phone again. It said Mar 27, Sunday.
I swear I felt my whole body tense up and relax in a nanosecond. I was not ready for it to be Monday. I am not ready to just watch my life pass me by… The idea that I had slept a day away, without doing anything of importance (minor may it be), terrified the sh*t out of me, and you know I mean THAT because I never curse unless it’s imperative to do so.
I keep thinking about the things I know I will regret not doing if I don’t do them now. I’m only going to be 27 now. I’m never going to be this me again. Something will happen, and I know, I know, things will change. They always do. So what can I do now while I can do it now?
Well, I can probably talk to mom. I know I should. I don’t want to. I don’t know how. I don’t know how to want to. So not that.
I can… exercise. Meditate. Watch a movie that I’ve seen before to fill in the silence of my room and the noise in my head.
I can write. Well, I am writing right now. I can write that novel. Maybe… later. But if I die tonight, I will never have written a single page of that novel… Wouldn’t that be a shame… Maybe
I can write that letter to Papa…
I can eat… No. No eating. Unless you’re truly hungry, which you’re not. How can you be? You ate two servings of RICE and sinigang. TWO! You’re not getting dinner tonight. Or the rest of the week for that matter.
Or maybe I can have cereals for dinner…
I saw a video of a person with Disassociative Identity Disorder last night, and I think the chances of me having that is very very big…
But no. I’m Beryl. Bee. Bej. Bexx. I am this messed up mind of manic thoughts. And all I have are words to try to make sense of them.
And I have love too. A student of mine messaged me earlier, asking for help for her poetry assignment. She didn’t actually had to ask, to be honest. I knew she needed my help when she greeted me out of the blue. I’m glad that I think I helped her. I hope I did. My ego needed that talk. She said she wished all her teachers were like me. I couldn’t help but wonder how my Angelican learners would feel about that… Too bad I won’t be able to redeem myself in their eyes… Not that I would want to, really, because I don’t care… Unfortunately…
But with my next class of learners, I will care. With all of me. I am whole again. THANK GOD.
I really should go to mass. I have nothing else to do… Just waste time away. Maybe hearing God’s Word is just want my soul needs.
So many maybes…