On a Quest

My mind naturally wakes up after a good 6 to 7 hours sleep, or at least by the time the sun is up, and there are no exceptions. I take this as a good thing; Lord knows it took me a long time to train myself to become a morning person.

That said, on days when I do not plan to go to work, like today (as with the last two days) (because I am ‘recuperating from a major intestinal problem’), waking up early can be a hassle. As much as I would want to snooze more, it wouldn’t work because once my mind is awake, it’ll stay awake.

So here’s what I do: I go online. Which I admit isn’t really a smart thing to do first thing in the morning (not even before I wash my face, or brush my teeth, or even my hair, or drink my morning coffee!), especially if the first sites I go to are Twitter and Facebook, both of which are well-known distractions. A part of me feels that I need to do some social media detox, even more so now that just the thought of doing that gives me the creeps.

Still, once in a while, my early morning online adventures do lead to something important. Case in point is this article link from Cosmo PH’s FB page. Feel free to read it, but here’s my favorite part:

“…Gen Y has "unrealistic expectations and a strong resistance toward accepting negative feedback,” and “an inflated view of oneself.” He says that “a great source of frustration for people with a strong sense of entitlement is unmet expectations. They often feel entitled to a level of respect and rewards that aren’t in line with their actual ability and effort levels, and so they might not get the level of respect and rewards they are expecting.”

Now, reading that definition for my generation is harsh, but oh so true for me. I have been prideful, and even right now, as I type this, I am being prideful. My level of confidence in my getting another job after AC is extremely high, and not just because I believe God will provide for me (unworthy that I am), but also because I trust my skills and abilities. I just don’t want to use them, right now. If someone asks me why, and demands an honest answer, it’ll be because I don’t feel like I’m getting what I deserve to get with what I can give. That makes me look really terrible, I guess, but it is the truth.

In the past five school years I have been working as a professionally licensed teacher, I have been given notice by the school administration for my abilities. In my first school, I was my subject coordinator’s pet, his right hand. In the second, I was plucked from the group for being assertive. These experiences has made me feel entitled to the same treatment in AC. Logically, this is a stupid and ridiculous expectation: I have not shown any skill or talent to be highlighted, much less praised. But I don’t live my life in pure logic. I felt that I deserved something and when I didn’t get it, it became tougher to give myself.

So I became selfish. (Just to be clear here, I can’t believe I’m rationalizing why I became selfish, but I am.)

In the past two schools I was part of, I shared so much of me, and they gave me the recognition I needed (for my ego), but in the first, my value system was incompatible with the institution’s, so I left. A more practical, long-term thinker would have toughen up and stayed, but that’s not me.

In the second, they took a surprising 360 degree turn around from loving me so much to not wanting me any longer (talk about a bad break up!). I didn’t want to look pitiful (because I was so proud of myself, too much, honestly) so I didn’t ask to be reconsidered, though I could have.

So when I got to AC, and I didn’t get the same welcome, and everything was just so different (I won’t go into details anymore), I lost my way. I know, or at least have some idea, of where I’m heading, but how to get there became… foggy.

I didn’t see my life at 27 this way. Granted, I didn’t really have a concrete idea of what my life would be like. I visualized being in a classroom, teaching, but everything else was vague and undetermined. I didn’t have big expectations or too high ambitions; I didn’t have plans. I just thought I’ll teach.

But that wasn’t what happened, obviously, and now? Now I feel really lost. All my confidence, my assertiveness, my belief in what I can do, were replaced by doubts, worries, and anxieties. I have become less than mediocre. I have become weak.

I don’t plan to stay that way.

Reading this article opened my mind as to why I am in this spot. It does make a lot of sense, and it has allowed me openly admit to my faults. I don’t regret anything in my past; I miss parts of my old life, in OLOPSC and SPCM, but I understand and have accepted that I cannot go back.

I need to look forward, and do it with the belief that everything will happen as they should. I think a part of me stopped making plans because I got scared of not fulfilling them, therefore becoming a failure. But then, failing is part of life too. It will teach us what works and what doesn’t. It’ll make us stronger and wiser and better.

And I am, still, on my quest to be the better version of my self. I’ll probably be on that quest for as long as I am alive.

So today, I’m going to start planning my life again, this time adjusting my expectations with my reality. I’m only 27 years old; the world is my oyster. I am single, and for majority of the time, happy that I am. I am healthy, able and capable. I am a licensed professional. I have work experience. I know how to handle myself. Most importantly, I have God.

I can. 

And I will.

I just have to learn to believe that again.

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