I got to talking with my brother tonight, about our lives in general. We don’t often do this. Scratch that, we don’t talk about our personal lives at all.
This is how I know God is listening to my prayers, that He is truly in control of my life. I would have probably bawled my eyes out if not for my brother suddenly coming to my room to tell me that he might just get a promotion. He’s feeling pretty good about where he is right now, and I’m so happy for him. We got to talking about his past work experiences, and then I got to share to him the stuff that has been bothering me with mine.
We would have gone to talking more, but he had to go to work, and I have to sleep (just in case I decide to go to my own work tomorrow…)
My mom is laughing out loud down stairs as I write this. She’s watching the replay of today’s KS. I saw it myself earlier, and spent two hours on Twitter discussing the current developments. I’m happy to say that I’m back on being an AlDub fan, and more importantly, a KS fan. I like where the story is going and I’m really proud of Maine’s acting.
These last two days of taking time off from work has given me some needed rest, but it’s the time I got to express myself (both on Twitter and with my family) that has given me some clarity.
The truth is, I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life. I don’t feel motivated or passionate or excited about work. I feel stuck and desperate and worried most of the time. Even if I have surrendered all of it to God, I still can’t help but feel anxious about the things that I don’t know. That’s just how I am made, I guess.
Still, talking to my brother have clarified what I do know for sure and there are three things: first, I am a teacher, and a darn good one, though right now, I’m not in my best shape; second, I love my family, and no matter how difficult or impossible things have gotten before and may get again (because life is unpredictable), I know the three of us, with dad’s memory and spirit leading us, and in God’s grace, will pull through; and lastly, right now, as I sit on my bed, in this room, in this house, hearing the buzzing sound of my electric fan, comfortable and safe and quiet and at peace, I am grateful that I am who I am, living this life.
And there’s absolutely nothing else I can, or would, ask for.
Whatever that has happened in the past is out of my control. Whatever that may happen tomorrow or the days after are not yet within my control. I can only live in the present.
And I am going to choose to be happy and grateful and present in the present.
I want to preserve this moment and take it with me, but I know I can’t. So I’m just going to immortalize it on this blog, and maybe, when things get tough again, I can reread this post and it will help me remember my way back to clarity and peace.