It’s 5:35 AM on a Saturday, a rainy morning that I would have typically enjoyed, snuggled up in bed, my mind and body resting. Alas! My sacred Saturday morning sleep-in has been wrecked by this body clock that jumps awake after six hours of sleep, and I can’t turn off my brain from the slew of thoughts, preventing me from going back to sleep.
I try to remind myself that overthinking will lead me nowhere. All my worries, fears and anxieties, particularly directed with the event tomorrow, cannot and will not be solved from merely imagining what could happen. All I have right now is, well, now. And right now, I am home. I am safe. I am comfortable. I am free to write about all these messed up thoughts. I am capable of writing about these messed up thoughts. And I am incredibly grateful to be so, because really, I’ve been trying to replace them with other things, you know, distract myself until I can’t anymore. But that’s unhealthy. I need to face these messiness head on so I can let them go, and finally, let God take over. I have surrendered everything to Him from the beginning, ngayon pa ba ako magdadamot?
So where to start?
Well, the critical voice in my head wouldn’t stop badgering me for my short comings and mishandlings of this cheer dance practices. The only reason/ excuse I have for this is that this IS the first time I handled a cheer dance event. I crawled my way through the maze and yes, I could have been more assertive and demanding, both towards the coach we hired and to the learners that had to do the training. Heck, I could have been more assertive this whole year, professionally! Maybe I wouldn’t have dreaded going to work so much, had I allowed myself to show my true self to everyone. But I didn’t! I was selfishly/ am selfishly hiding who I am away from these people who I refuse to be attached with, as a way to preserve myself the heartache once I have to leave. Yes, this is a residual effect of the trauma I experienced leaving St. Paul Makati last April. Yes, I still haven’t moved on from that, and I don’t know how long will I be afraid to commit myself to an institution. So this fear, this humongous cloud of self-doubt, had hindered me from doing my job properly. I have become okay with just showing up, just being there, but not really. I had been overly lenient to people who I should have been managing, guiding, protecting from themselves. I had wasted hours and effort on something that is bound to fail. I have become a failure.
At least, these are what that ugly, critical voice inside my head wants me to believe. To be clear, I don’t.
I know in my heart that being new in the high school department, in a non-traditional school, where the learners are incredibly self-confident and sure of themselves (at least the ones I’ve encountered so far), is a valid reason to my flaws and mistakes, because despite my five-year experience in the grade school, I am still a newbie teacher. I had no idea what to expect. I surrendered it all to God and I know in my heart that His Will will prevail. So why am I beating myself up still?
I think this is another way of self-preservation. I’m like a flu shot of myself to myself. I’m preparing myself for the inevitable criticism and backlash from those unnamed faces in my head, telling me how crappy of a teacher I have been teacher. I’m doing it to myself first, in hopes that maybe, I can grow a thicker skin shield.
I am hurting myself on purpose so that when others try, it wouldn’t hurt as much.
HOW EFFIN’ MESSED UP IS THAT?!
Instead of celebrating life, of cherishing this free time I have, AFTER WEEKS of giving up my Saturdays for this event, AFTER ALL THE OTHER SACRIFICES I gave for this event, I am still punishing myself for being a flawed human being.
And it’s not even because I want to be perfect. I don’t think it exists. But I wanted to be a better version of me, and right now, I feel like I have backtracked ten paces. I was confident and sure of myself before; now, I can’t even make a quick decision, always waiting for someone to verify for me first. I have lost my backbone, and my identity, and I am always, always terrified that others will soon find out and use that against me.
Why am I so invested on what they think? When did this craziness began? Is this yet another side effect of what happened to me in St. Paul Makati? The way they had informed me that my contract will not be renewed, with only three weeks left, without giving me any clue that I was no longer wanted in their institution, has left behind this scar of shame and self-hate. How had I missed out the signs that I was going to have to leave behind a life that I once fantasized about? How could I have been so clueless as to how they all thought of me? How could I have been so sure and proud of myself, seeing myself irreplaceable, when all the while, they were already thinking of replacing me?
When I started writing this, my intentions were to pour out about the stress of the upcoming Intrams, but now, I’ve reach a point of no return, on an issue that has been looming over my head for months. I haven’t resolved this, and I need to. Whether or not I get to stay one more year in AC, I need to get over my heartache with SPCM.
As for tomorrow’s event, well, now that I know the real reason why I messed up, and understanding that my overthinking is the true waste of time and effort, I think I am ready to let go and let God. Truly.
Because really, I have done what I could. It may not have been my best, yet, but I have learned a bunch of things from this experience, and I will take that with me, until the next time I get to handle a similar task. A part of me hopes that I will be allowed to redeem myself next year, but mostly, I’m just excited to get it all over with.
It’s now 6:03 AM and the rain has stopped. I have to be in UST by 9:30 AM for Jade’s baby girl’s christening. I’m hoping to swing by the school later to see the cheer dance uniform for the first time. Yep, it was delayed and they didn’t even get to try it on. One of the mess ups of this even that is outside my control. To be honest, I am hoping that they’d postpone the event last minute, not to prolong the suspense and agony, but to allow us to get our bearings together. We’ll see.
I think I’ll sleep for one more hour and then be off. Laters.