I can’t even remember when I did it, but I did: I deleted my four – year old blog, the one that I started back in November 2, 2011, the one that contained basically everything that happened to me during my second year of teaching, the civil war with my mom that lasted for four months, the memories I had during my last year in OLOPSC, the adjustments I went through when I left teaching, the pitiful rants about my being lost and going through a quarter life crisis, my journey to St. Paul, my time as a Paulinian educator, all my fangirling posts and reviews and generally, my thoughts and feelings about life from 23 – 26.
I pulled the trigger by clicking delete and released it when I said okay. Just like that, it was gone.
To be honest, that blog was already dead even before I killed it off. I wasn’t as active in Tumblr as I was before I moved to Makati. There wasn’t much time left to blog since I was thrust in the middle of preparing for the accreditation, plus I didn’t have my own internet connection in the dorms back then. There was also this feeling of being too old for Tumblr, which is probably one of the stupidest things I ever thought.
Anyway, when I left St. Paul and moved back home last summer, I was torn between preserving the posts I had accumulated in that blog or starting anew, because I felt that I needed a fresh start. I even downloaded a data file of all my posts in that blog. It’s somewhere in this laptop.
Then I decided maybe I should go back to basics and bought myself a notebook to serve as my journal. I even picked the color yellow, my third favorite color, because I wanted to make it something new and different.
Then, on the day of my birthday, I spontanously opened another account on Tumblr using my secondary Gmail account, and decided to leave the old blog as is. I’ve checked up on that blog once or twice, and even reblogged some of my old posts.
Until a few days ago, as part of my avoiding to do my TTDs, I got into thinking if I can move some of my posts from that blog to my current blog. I searched how this can be done. Google has always been my friend; I learned basic HTML from hours of tinkering on Xanga and Blogspot lay-outs back in high school and college with Google. I figured what I had in mind is possible. But then I began to wonder why would I even bother. Yes, that blog contained three – four years of my life. Yes, that blog was my sanity keeper, as it had allowed me to vent and rant and share about my innermost thoughts. Yes, I loved that blog, having renamed it a number of times (from beryllisms to gleamingberyl to something else I’ve forgotten to beeinthepink), edited it’s lay-out over and over, and spent countless hours with it.
But it wasn’t me anymore.
I’m no longer afraid to reveal who I am and what I believe in or feel about something or someone, which is why my blog is now self-titled. I finally know who I am and what I want to represent. I write because it’s the only way I can feel complete. I blog out good vibes, positivity, optimism, hope, joy, being blessed, being happy, because in my core, that’s who I am. I write about the things I enjoy and love because I want to share them to whoever wants to know. I blog about my life — it’s ups and downs — because this is how I process through my complicated thoughts and emotions. I write for me, but I know I may be writing for you too. It’ll be great if somehow I can inspire you as well, as other bloggers have inspired me.
It’s a wonderful gift, self-acceptance. Once you have it, it’ll stay with you if you fight for it. I’ve fought for it, and I continue to do so.
When I deleted my old blog, I did it not to forget my past, but to celebrate my present and be more focused on the many possibilities of my future.
It’s cathartic and euphoric at the same time. I love it.
And I am thankful for it.