One of the few downsides of not having to go and do work is my tendency to over-analyze my life. Anything in excess is bad for a person, and somehow, I tend to do every thing in excess, including thinking about living. Ironically, I don’t do much living because the thinking part has *ugh* “over” taken it.
Today’s topic of choice: my so-called love life.
Here is the sad fact: I am twenty – seven years old and I have been single my whole life, which in these modern times, is fine, even great, especially for those who see feminism as being able to stand on one’s own. And most days, I feel that way.
But then the truth strikes me and I get really anxious: I have never been in love, not really. I have been heavily infatuated, three times to be exact, and the first one even lasted all through high school. Most of what I can consider as romantic “liaisons” are unrequited, that is, one-sided, and it hurt my ego. A lot.
I’ve gone through a heartache once too, which I believe is different from a heartbreak. I’m terrified at the idea of falling in love, but I am also scared of never experiencing it at all, and there in lies my dilemma.
I think having had those terrible experiences, which I know are mere taste-tests for what love does to a person (based on my observations on people and the shows I like to watch so much), has left me traumatized to the point that I’ve remained numb for the last three years. When I say numb, I haven’t been attracted or evenly remotely interested in striking up an attraction with anyone. Everyone remains at arm’s length with me, because my need to protect myself.
Love is a beautiful, powerful gift, but it has also caused a lot of ugly, weak moments. I’ve loathed myself after accepting that the person I happen to like cannot and would not like me back. I’ve hated my looks, my personality, my ineptitude, my lack of something that my person of interest is looking for. I’ve berated myself for falling for the sweet words and meaningful eye contacts, because I should have known better.
I guess that’s where the problem lies. When I’m into someone, I forget what I should have remembered. I forget my sense of self, and I obsess about the idea of another person seeing me in a different way. I admit, I’m very self-centered, but then, when it comes to love, isn’t everyone else? I mean, I am on the lookout for myself here, because no one else can or will protect me. And in my past experiences, I forgot to be careful, and I ended up hurt, lost and broken.
I’m not sure if I’ve healed. I don’t know if I’ll ever be.
And yet, I find myself drawn into the idea that there is still someone out there for me. I just have to wait and pray and believe that he is out there, waiting and praying and believing as well. Because despite all the bad things I’ve experienced with love, I still believe in it’s power, it’s beauty, it’s strength, and that’s the truth.
I’m fine with being on my own on the long run. I just want to know, to see, if it is at all possible, for me to have that moment, with one person. Just one person. Just one moment. It doesn’t have to be forever, it just has to be real, and true, and good, for both of us. I’m not just talking about physical connection here, though I know that’s an important part. I’m talking about a spiritual link, an understanding, an acceptance, an agreement.
It’ll be nice if I didn’t have to do any work, but let’s be real here: he’s not going to fall on my lap any moment soon. There is a funny saying I’ve seen before that went: “You’ve got to kiss a couple of frogs to find your prince”. It’s a cliche but I think it’s true. I’ve never kissed anyone (because I was lucky that the three guys I heavily liked before didn’t abuse my affections, a silver lining and a consolation since they basically rejected me) and I feel that I’m ready to take on that challenge.
I’d like to go out and see the world and meet new people, men and women alike. I’d like to be brave, kind, smart and open to the possibilities of love, and life in general.
And if I make a mess, and end up hurt, or lost, or broken, then I’d heal myself, find myself and build myself up again. Besides, I have God, my family and my friends. It’ll all end up as it should.
I believe it.